I Couldn't Trust Him to Love Me Enough, and I Couldn't Trust Him If He Loved Me Too Much

Five years ago, I fell in love with someone who treated me well, and that automatically made me distrust him. I loved him, but I couldn't show him that because it felt too threatening and made me feel too vulnerable. So again and again, I would break up with him. And again and again, we would get back together when I told him I changed my mind. I told him that I wanted to get married, and then I would tell him that I never said that. And he just kept going along with it, doing whatever I said because he was a forgiving person, he just wanted to understand me. He made appointments for me to go see a therapist and I wouldn't go, he bought me books and I didn't read them. Pretty soon, I kind of got to like the control that I had over him. For years, I believed that he was the problem. Now I see that I have BPD. And so I lost the best person I ever knew because I couldn't trust him to love me enough, and I couldn't trust him if he loved me too much. I can't seem to trust -- fully -- another human being. I don't know if I ever will.