When I Feel Toxic, I Hate Others

I had a dream the other night where a doctor told me I had a terminal disease and I might as well kill myself right now instead of putting my family through the pain of watching me die. I was torn....I didn't know what to do. If I didn't kill myself then I would be selfish but I wanted to live and be with my kids as long as possible. This dream really made me feel weird and screwed up. I think cause I feel like I am toxic to anyone who has to be around me. I have been feeling so full of hate. I don't understand this senseless hate I feel sometimes. When I am caught up in it I feel like I am so utterly justified for feeling the hate for the person (most often husband) I am hating....that they are so utterly disgusting, so pitifully stupid etc. When I am feeling this way there is hardly any insight and when there is it's only because I am somewhat dissociative and can compartmentalize different aspects of myself at times....I am glad I have this at least.