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 BPD
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Most of the following posts
appeared on the "Welcome to Oz Online Community for Family Member of Those with BPD"
mailing list.
Dr.
Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
The hardest
part about acceptance of the person suffering BPD for me was the
"Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" quality of the disorder and
their behavior. One moment I was curled up in the arms of the
sweetest, nicest man I'd ever met. The next minute I was fending
off an angry tiger that was trying to claw me to death verbally.
For awhile, I kept
thinking, "Oh, it's just a phase, it'll go away!"
but on the contrary, the awful phases kept getting worse. Pretty
soon I had a lot of trouble even remembering that sweet, nice
man who used to hold me close and tell me how wonderful I was.
Pretty soon I was wondering whether or not I was really the
monster he claimed I was. Pretty soon I realized it wasn't me;
that I had faults like everyone else but I wasn't the cause
of all of his misfortunes.
That's when the
sadness and anger really got going. I just couldn't believe
that anyone had such violent mood swings, such insane rages,
such intense dislike of himself and everyone around him. The
fact that I had no name for it at the time only served to further
my confusion and sadness.
We try so hard to make it
work. I did, and even when I left this guy, I spent a lot of time
grieving the loss of the relationship. I felt that parts of me
died in the process of leaving him, and of discovering him for
the pathetic wreck of a human being that he was the disappointment
was a bitter, bitter taste in my mouth. It still hurts a bit today,
when I think of it. It was difficult to understand and accept
that he was NOT the person he made himself out to be at the outset
of our relationship.
The
Choices We Make
I have learned
that, as adults, we must take responsibility for our own lives
not let anyone or anything control our lives ... not let our role
as the "victim" control our lives ... and not let the
past control our lives.
I believe that codependency,
like many other problems, is derived from the deep seated feeling
of "unworthiness." Codependents place the importance
of their life and happiness below that of others because they
feel undeserving.
We really can't blame our
spouse for our situation. As adults, we are responsible for ourselves.
We choose to be in (and remain in) a relationship with "that
person." We choose to feel, think and behave as we did. We
choose how we perceived everything.
To
Thine Own Self Be True
As to advice for
on whether to stay or not, I stayed for 15 years. But in so
doing I fell into a trap I began accepting, perhaps embracing,
the accusations and "bad" things. And in falling,
I lost myself along the way. Whether to stay or go, I cannot
say. What I will do is pass along Will Shakespeare's rejoinder,
"To thine own self be true!" Take care of yourself.
Advice I am still struggling to learn how to take.
Take
Responsibility for Yourself
Resist the
temptation to blame the BP for all of your troubles. No matter
how awful he/she behaves, you must remember that you made choices
that put you together with that person in the first place, so
they can't be all bad. Learning from the result of those choices
is the best thing to come out of ANY relationship, but especially
in one as challenging as a BP. Fixating on the BPs behavior and
blaming them for everything, or constantly whining to friends
and supporters about the BP just makes it harder to take positive
steps.
Anyone in a partnership
with a BPD (whether they were conscious of it to begin with or
not) needs to do a LOT of introspection... not only about their
own needs, but the choices they make (this is not to say they
made the wrong choices, just that they need to clearly understand
them). I'll wager that it's an incredibly common pattern of codependency
and 'rescuing' in these relationships and that must be scrutinized
very seriously... And that goes directly to the questions of needs
and boundaries.
Don't
Blame The BP for Who They Are
The main advice
I give to people involved with a borderline is to tell them
to realize that the BP has not singled you out to inflict upon
you the pain and hurt of their problem. It took me sometime
to realize that my ex husband had not deliberately set out to
make my life a misery. It would have happened, to one degree
or another, no matter who he had married. Blaming the BP partner
for who they are is futile in the extreme and does not help
the situation in any way. This does not mean that you must accept
the situation but rather you acknowledge the situation for what
it is and work from that point.
Are You Feeling the Borderline's
Feelings?
A post from a therapist.
Many borderlines
are quite adept at getting you to second guess or question YOUR
motivations instead of them questioning some of their own thoughts,
motivations and/or behaviors. This is part of the reason that
I so strongly suggest that those involved with BPDs have their
own therapist. Borderlines can be very skilled at getting others
to "feel" the emotion that the BP would normally be
feeling but can not.
It's part of what
is called "projective identification." If the BP is
being very abusive (that's what they learned by being abused
and they believe that everyone close to them will treat them
that way) and you start feeling angry (a normal response to
being abused) then the BP can then "feel" angry because
you (in their thoughts) are angry at them. Since you started
it, then it's okay if they are abusive or angry back at you.
They may then proceed to
tell you (even though you are not showing that anger) how it "bleeds
through" or that your body language tells them how angry
you are. At that point it becomes VERY difficult to tell if you're
feeling your own anger or theirs. This is very painful and frightening.
So is wondering if your motivations are well meaning or sound.
Suggestions from a Man
Who Married a Borderline
I believe,
if there is to be any chance of a successful relationship with
a BP, one must first be aware that they are involved with a person
who has BPD. I wasn't... and I wasn't prepared for what was to
come.
One must be careful
not to "buy into" the BP's anger, accusations, etc.
Anger, accusations, criticism and interrogation are part of
BPD. One must not take it personally. This can be quite difficult
as tremendous anger, blame and accusations are almost certainly
and constantly aimed at you.
Your intentions
will constantly be tested... analyzed and criticized. Trust
is the major issue. Don't give a BP reason to not trust you!
When entering into
a relationship with a BP, one must be aware of what (who) they
are dealing with. They must be aware of what is happening to
the BP. They must also be patient, keep their interests, keep
their individuality, keep their friends and family and keep
their own self esteem intact even thought these things may be
"attacked."
Marriage is a relationship
for two. Even though anything you say or do can trigger rage
from the BP, you cannot allow yourself to become a victim, to
"walk on eggshells" and be miserable in order to attempt
to keep the BP content. Often times BP's trigger their own rage
without any input from you and at odd times. They can be quite
happy and upbeat... and the next moment they can be hell on
earth.
A BP can be quite
convincing. They can convince you and outsiders that YOU are
the problem. is important to some borderlines that they have
the starring role as the "victim."
There must be a
great deal of love in a relationship such as this to make it
work. You must exhibit a careful balance of compassion and strength.
The BP lives with a great deal of inner pain from their past.
This is how they are packaged and how they arrive on your doorstep.
Don't get caught
up playing the BP's "game." Their game has no winners
only losers. Just refuse to play the game... otherwise you will
be left alone... without a relationship... and with a great
deal of BP's inner pain.
Howard's
Story
I married
a woman who "seemed" okay. I admit that I was worried
when she told me I was wonderful... perfect in every way... great
in bed... attractive... intelligent... different from "those
other men," etc. It worried me because I didn't know if I
could always live up to those fine praises.
One day following
our wedding day she began to criticize, interrogate, and judge
me. I was bad and everything about me was bad. She soon started
in on my parents, my brother, my old friends, my past, my business...
anything remotely associated with "me." I was told
I couldn't be trusted I was a bad businessman, I was a bad stepdad,
I was a bad husband. Everything was always "my fault."
Eventually, I could
no longer communicate with ANYONE outside our home...except
her relatives. So, to "keep the peace" I was attentive,
careful of what I said, who I talked to, who I looked at and
what I did. I had lost my identity and was continually walking
on eggshells. Although she had made it clear that I was a "loser,"
I kept trying to win her back. Fix things. Get that old spark
back between us. In short, I became (or already was) codependent.
It really hurts
when you love someone who both loves and hates you...and eventually
makes you love and hate them.
Use "I" Statements
Instead of "You" Statements
In the case
of those with BPD who don't accept or understand that they have
behavioral problems, actions speak louder than words. We need
to act lovingly and self protectingly, and separate their actions
from who they are.
Instead of telling
a person with BPD, "You have a problem, so get a grip and
accept it and that you need help and that you're making my life
a living hell, etc.," I've found it to be much more effective
and dignified to stick to the "I" statements rather
than the "You" statements.
Saying "I really
feel uncomfortable when you act this way" or saying "that
kind of behavior on your part REALLY pisses me off" is
a much more helpful way to communicate.
I've found that
keeping the focus on myself and my feelings rather than throwing
blame or direct you statements at the person suffering with
BPD keeps me clearer and keeps my choices of action clearer,
for me.
Loving detachment
has been the single most successful behavior and practice for
me. Loving someone WHILE they suffer a terrible, altering behavioral
disorder and loving myself enough to remove myself calmly from
a situation that is uncomfortable or even threatening to me
has been really effective in my life and loves with men with
BPD. I was able to say "I really love you AND I'm angry
with you AND I think your behavior stinks."
Don't Try to Be Your Borderline's
Therapist
A post from a recovered
borderline.
I don't
think that *anyone* who is in a close relationship with a BP (or
any seriously disturbed person) can be in a position to truly
"heal" that BP the emotional closeness would make it
almost impossible.
My therapist was
a very sharp, highly qualified and credentialed man who was
also 50 years old and thus had a lot of experience. I gave that
man more shit than you could imagine.
And yet, he had
this often infuriating way of remaining calm. Drawing the line,
mind you, in no uncertain terms but maintaining the "blank
screen" of emotions. Everything I did was intended to "get
a rise" out of him not much ever did. I used to tell him
he was as cold and inhuman as the Buckingham palace guards.
Ah, but in failing
to react in the way I wanted him to, the projection and the
emotions always ended up back where they belong volleyed to
*my* side of the court. Which is the only true way I could deal
with them.
There is no way
on God's green earth my husband could have done that. He was
just *too* close to the situation. I was able to "get a
rise" out of my husband whether it be anger, frustration,
worry or sorrow. Alas, for me as a BP, getting a reaction was
like eating a Lay's potato chip there was no way I was going
to stop at one. Getting that reaction which, I guess, validated
to me that he *did* care was something that fed upon itself.
My poor husband he really went through hell... and back.
In a marriage, or
other close relationship there's a large amount of time spent
together. And there are other purposes, goals and activities
in a marriage, etc. Gotta make a living. Gotta manage a household,
pay the bills. Gotta go out sometimes and have some fun. Gotta
make love. Gotta raise kids, go to family reunions, mow the
lawn.
My husband, even
if he *were* a trained psychotherapist (which he isn't), even
if he knew and understood all there was to know about BPD, therapy
methodology, etc. could never have been able to muster that.
He *did* pick up some of the effective ways of dealing with
me from my therapist's example, but he could do so knowing that
someone else was going about the nuts and bolts of working with
me. He had an *ally*. It took a lot of pressure off him. And
I think it was the fact that he knew progress was being made
gave him the patience and fortitude to see me through it without
being too hurt, worried or frightened at least in any way that
would become impossible to bear.
Had I *not* sought
help, I don't see that my husband loving, committed and patient
man that he is could have "handled me" indefinitely.
So, if any of you out there are kicking yourselves because you
*haven't* had the patience to stick it out, or you're quickly
losing it please don't. You *can't* "heal" the borderline,
not by yourself. And if the BP in your life refuses to accept
the fact that he/she is BP, refuses to seek help, or ostensibly
seeks help but manipulates the therapist and thus isn't *really*
seeking help there is, alas, not a whole lot you can do at least,
not in terms of real recovery. You're just too close to the
situation. All you can do is hope and pray for the day when
the BP in your life *is* willing to do these things...
To the Borderline in My
Life
I am sorry I had
to leave you, and you know how difficult it was. I turned into
someone I never thought I could be. I reacted to your every
action. I took it personally and internalized it. I felt for
you. I understood when you told me your parents never told you.
I thought this was the worst abuse. I felt for you when you
told me your uncle sexually abused you. I felt for you when
I met your family and saw how verbally abusive they were to
you. I cried with you when you asked me what I thought was wrong
with you. I cried with you when I left you. I wanted so to stay
with you and help you, but... you weren't willing to go through
the pain.
You were not the
sick one, I was. I loved you and would have done anything for
you. Oh, but one thing. I forgot to cry for myself when you
told me I was pathetic and called me names I wouldn't call my
worst enemies. For every lie you told me there were 10 more,
I had not a clue as to what the truth was. I could see the pain
you were in, and I ignored the pain I was in. You had a way
of getting me involved in your dramas. This was clearly my codependency
issues raging, but I fell in love with a bright and sexy and
sensitive sometimes loving person and felt I should stay with
you no matter what. And I almost lost my being. My heart goes
out to you and your struggle. I am sorry.
One more thing.
Did I ever tell you that you were a gift to me? Without you
I would never have gone to Alanon or therapy. You helped me
look at myself. I saw a lot of you in me and it scared me as
well as made me think about my own life experiences. I saw it
as my dark side in action. I believe I am very lucky to have
met you. I believe that not everyone is this fortunate. Your
passion and sensitivity are something I have admired in you.
Whether it was done to manipulate or it was sincere I will never
know, but to me it will always be sincere. Thanks to you I am
in recovery. I will never forget you and I will always love
you, but never again.
I Was Always The One at
Fault
My borderline husband
predominantly placed blame on me, angrily attacking me with
'you think this is all about ME' or 'you won't agree that it's
at least HALF your fault', etc. As he got worse, his blaming
became more severe, turning into incredibly mean-spirited emotional
abuse... the guilt/shame/anger/projection cycle accelerated
even when I detached and did my utmost best to mitigate any
entanglements to an absolute minimum. He'd reach out to push
my most sensitive buttons so he could validate and justify his
actions by trying to provoke me into the role he was defining
in his head.
What I Gained from Loving
Someone with BPD
I learned a lot
about myself and my capacities for living life to the fullest,
regardless of what is happening around me or what other people
might think. I also learned a lot about the kinds of choices
I make in relationships and gained an extraordinary amount of
insights about my past, my patterns, and my attractions. I wouldn't
have had the opportunity to examine and question myself so thoroughly
had it not been for the BP.
I learned to explore
the world that I live in, especially in terms of trying new
things. And in many ways the adversity of dealing with the BP
cemented some of my sense of spirituality. I also learned a
lot about my self worth and self esteem, about what is acceptable
behavior and what isn't. Also, about my own limits as a person.
And, most importantly, about what a great sense of humor I have!
And that, as Eleanor Roosevelt
said so beautifully "No one can make you feel inferior without
your consent."
Oh!
Wicked, Wicked, Wife
I don't know where to begin
I am 37, a mum, with three children & I have been married
to a man only 9 months older than me for almost 17 years. (He
looks about 20 years older). The last 8 have been hell on earth.
He has always been moody, difficult & bad tempered but since
becoming a committed Christian about 13 years ago turned into
a reasonable loving man.
Previously he could be abusive when very greatly stressed. Trouble
is I was always to blame (so I was told) for any problems.......
If only I was a better wife, he wouldn't be like this. Yes, I
admit for a time I blamed me as well. If only I worked harder,
more often, kept the house just a little cleaner etc., etc.
surely he would love me. To no avail. You see it's awful for him,
poor soul, fancy picking me who's not perfect in every way!!!!!
We moved north 8 years ago away from his beloved family, who are
far more important to him than me after all. Life has been hell.
What had gone before was "heaven" compared to this.
We escaped away from running two very stressful businesses with
his family. Mistake! He couldn't live without them. You see they
were getting older, he didn't need to spend time with me or the
kids. We were young. His parents were getting along in years and
would die only too soon and he would regret not spending more
time with them -who by this time were put on pedestals only mere
mortals ike me could dream of reaching.
Me! well I was there to slave. By this time he had taken over
an even more stressful business he was becoming more & more
depressed, resentful. He just seemed to hate me more & more.
Violence, abuse, selective memories. Oh why couldn't I make him
happy.
Then it started to dawn on me. No, I'm not perfect. Who is? Is
he? Who is the abuser in this relationship?
He now was treated for depression with Seroxat for a number of
years Just made him want to sleep even more. Then he'd get up
feel even more guilty, because I'd had to keep the business going
whilst he was in bed. Time to punish me even more. Tell lies,
Twist everything I say, Oh Wicked wife. Crap cook! Crap in Bed!
Lazy! & Worst of all Answers Back & Argues!!!
He continues to take on battles in business. A knight in battle
gear charging onward! No justice. Life's unfair. Wife & kids
in the way. You see he has to take on the world!
And When it doesn't work out! Escape to Bed, Beer & finally
when that doesn't ease the pain back to Mummy & Daddy. Standing
with open arms Come back to us darling little boy we'll take away
the pain.
Oh! wicked, wicked daughter-in-law how could you do this to our
poor little boy.
Has anyone else been married to a yo!yo!
Back & Forward he goes. Not happy when he's with us, wanting
the security of his parent's arms. Blow his business. Blow his
kids. Fitting punishment for me left to keep everything going.
Yet after a while when Mummy & Daddy fall short he's back
again- humble, apologetic.....The cycle begins again.......
So if I'm so evil why does he want me to stay married to him?
Why when I suggest a separation & he stays at "Cloud cuckoo
land" not keep coming & going because its damaging the kids.
Time for complete flip out. Suicide Attempt, Booze, Paracetemol
and at mummy's as well Wicked, wicked daughter-in-law. How could
you say whatever you said to him on the phone to MAKE our
little darling do this, and in our house as well.
So back he comes "Nothing wrong with him, I'm the problem" By
now even worse. Fighting in the street. Police, Court punishment.
Road Rage. Arrest, Police, Collapses in a heap. begging for help
Get to hospital. Told he needs to see a Clinical psychologist
Solicitor refuses to represent him in court because of his anger
and attitude displayed in her office.
Wait 3 months 2 appointments with Clinical psychologist cancels
anymore by now not living here again, back at mummy's "Cloud Cuckoo
Land." To prove a point again.
Oh! Wicked, Wicked Wife. Oh! Wicked Wicked place to live. Court,
Punishment- Probation, No driving license. Not his fault
all mine.
C.P tells us he's not just suffering with depression but personality
disorder Nothing they can do with personality disorder until he
accepts the problem and seeks treatment. So finally I decided
to do some research into personality disorder and there it is
staring back at me three days ago on the Internet. Borderline
Personality Disorder- B.P.D
This is scary I'm sure he's got all nine symptoms. Do they know
him personally! A new millennium perhaps a new diagnosis,
I Don't know! I'm not qualified in these things.
But to be honest I don't care anymore. I can't stand it any longer.
I've already instructed a solicitor to request a formal separation.
After all I am WICKED! and that will just prove it. Oh! Wicked,
Wicked, Wife. I HATE YOU - DON'T LEAVE ME.
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