What Brought Me to Recovery

I was one who most frequently repressed myself and the fiery BPD feelings inside of me, maintaining relationships with those closest to me, and occasionally lashing out at those who were not as close to me. The result of this was a constant inner struggle that led to self-destruction, and a few souls out there who were unfortunate enough to be the recipients of all that pent-up vindication. I have changed in ways so fundamental it is hard to believe I ever thought the way that I did. Sometimes, amidst a situation, I will think back to how that it would have affected me five or ten years ago -- it really strikes me sometimes just how much I have changed.

Shortly before my "breakdown" and subsequent three hospitalizations and four years of intensive therapy, I had begun to lose the self-control (AKA, total repression) I had mustered in my closest relationships for years prior to that. Typically, I would manage to exit relationships before the pull of the BPD poisoned them (not knowingly of course, I wasn't aware of the diagnosis then, and indeed was a major skeptic of psychiatry in general.)

As an extroverted, passionate, fun-loving person, I always had a lot of friends and people around me -- also had a series of sexual relationships that were never exclusive. My old coping strategy was to never get too close and never stick with anyone or anything for too long of a time. In marriage however (my husband and I just celebrated our ninth anniversary!) and in having children, this coping strategy could no longer work. I was faced with the reality that I could no longer be the drifter, I could not run from these commitments -- and it scared me to death. Literally almost *brought* me to death.

While during those first few years of infancy, I found myself with a nurturing maternal instinct and a patience I never thought I had within me -- once I quit nursing my children (when my daughter was about 18 months old or so and my son was 3 and a half), things began to fall apart at the seams quickly. It was during that brief stretch of six months or so that I began to have the classic BPD-motivated one-sided fights with my husband. I began to lose patience quickly. And when I found myself totally overreacting to my toddler son, ready to beat him mercilessly, and saw the fear in his eyes that I had had in my own when I was a ravaged child -- I simply snapped. I couldn't do what my parents (my mother a definite BPD, my father a classic narcissist/sadist) had done -- simply couldn't "pass on the legacy." And was disgusted with myself for even having the instinct. I quickly retreated from my son and was filled with the powerful wish to die -- in my desperation, I called a hotline. From there, the road to recovery -- painful, dramatic and anguishing as it was -- began.

I've been fortunate to have a very loving, supportive and understanding husband who came from a very emotionally healthy upbringing. We communicate well and we talked about therapy as I went through therapy, and all the turbulent, emotional times particularly in the earlier phases of therapy when I was forced to confront all of these things. Ben is aware of my BPD, aware of the instincts, the mindsets and thought patterns. Fortunately, too, Ben is a very strong person in his own right -- loving and sensitive enough not to give me back a dose of what, at times, he has been given, but also assertive and strong enough not to let himself be defeated or overpowered by my occasional irrational outbursts.

He's become quite adept at spotting the thinking patterns as soon as they emerge and pointing them out. I've become quite adept at thinking before I speak, and being able to accept it when he points things out. We've channeled the underlying passion of the BPD in a way that makes our marriage deep, committed and strong -- filled with passion and love. Both of us honestly convinced that we have "done well" in finding each other. We have a strong marriage, and a closely-knit and loving family. Trust me when I say that both Ben and I have been through absolute hell at times during this process -- but neither of us regret our decision to marry each other and our marriage is stronger and more communicative than many of those of couples who have never had to struggle with the emotional issues. Perhaps, indeed, because we *have* had to struggle with those issues, we met the challenge, neither of us ran, and it has brought us closer together.