My Whirlwind of Emotions Scares People Away

For me, anger is more than just intense feelings. It is the uncontrollable surge one feels that is associated with that intensity, and the inability to rationally control oneself. It is like being possessed by a whirlwind of emotions that cause one to act out heinously. When I act out, it is an attempt to protect myself, knowing full well, that what I am actually doing will drive a person away further. Just recently, I acted out with a man who I care a great deal about, and I drove him away, because the ambiguity of the relationship left me controlled by my emotions. As a result, I have driven him away, and am suffering tremendously. I just couldn't handle the intensity and I burst out on him, so to speak. The feelings controlled me, overpowered me, I had to lash out to let it escape. When I am acting out, I want reassurance that the person isn't going to leave me. When the intensity is not too strong, I remind myself that it isn't fatal. I focus on feeling the pain, and not trying to do anything about it. Reacting to the internal hurricane scares people away.

(NOTE: THIS NEXT PART WAS WRITTEN SEVERAL MONTHS LATER)

Since I wrote that to you, I think a lot of times my anger is justified. Lashing out (as in the case I talked about before) is not appropriate. However, my anger was appropriate. What I have learned since then was a bit of understanding of the core, or the fire of those whirlwinds of emotions. At the core is a person so incredibly insecure that she holds back until an explosion occurs. So insecure that she explodes and then regrets the consequences--not because the anger wasn't justified, but because she truly feels that if that person deserts her, she is worthless. This really supports the theories of problems with self-identification and boundaries. It's like I sometimes feel I can't stand alone, because without someone else there, there is a vast nothingness where I stand. I am so grateful that I have been graced with the gift of being capable of sorting this out. I might also add that sometimes the anger comes out for inappropriate reasons, and that is especially confusing for people who are on the receiving end. In short, many times a Borderlines anger is justified, however, the intensity is driven by ones own core insecurities and "lacking" so to speak.