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Brainwashing
effects on non-BPs
A
definition of non-BP
How 24 Million Non-BPs
are "Brainwashed"
A
definition of non-BP
The
term “non-borderline” (non-BP) does not
mean “person who doesn’t have BPD.” Rather, it is shorthand
for “relative, partner, friend, or other individual who is affected
by the behavior of someone with BPD.” Non-BPs can be in any type
of relationship with someone who has BPD. Non-BPs we interviewed
were married partners, unmarried partners, friends, children, parents,
siblings, daughter-in-laws, aunts, cousins, and co-workers of people
with BPD.
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How
24 Million Non-BPs are "Brainwashed"
Some people who enter into relationships with borderlines feel
brainwashed by the BP’s accusations and criticisms. The techniques
of brainwashing are simple: isolate the victim, expose them to
consistent messages, mix with sleep deprivation, add some form
of abuse, get the person to doubt what they know and feel, keep
them on their toes, wear them down, and stir well.
The
following are some ways in which this happens.
Continual
blame and criticism: Family members have been raged at and
castigated for such things as carrying a grocery bag the wrong
way and having bedsheets that weighed too heavily on the BP’s
toes. One son who "ate too fast" was not allowed to
join the family at dinner for 15 years. The criticism
often crosses the line into emotional or physical abuse.
Splitting:
BPs have a hard time seeing gray areas. To them, people and
situations are all black or white, wonderful or evil. Dividing
the world into good or evil makes it easier for BPs to understand.
But it means that if you don't agree with everything the BP
says, you are a horrible person who is against them.
Extreme
Projection: Lacking a clear sense of who they are and feeling
empty and inherently defective, people with BPD feel lonely
and in excruciating pain. So they may cope by denying their
own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing
them (often in an accusing way) to someone else. For example,
the borderline may say (with real meaning in parentheses):
"You
think I’m controlling? You’re the one who’s so controlling!"
(I feel like I’m losing control right now and it scares
me.)
"Stop
screaming at me!" (I am so angry that I need to scream
at you right now.)
"You
never consider my needs. You’re always thinking about yourself."
(My needs are so overwhelming to me that I can’t think about
yours.)
"If
you had taken my calls at work, I wouldn’t have had to call
you at three o’clock in the morning at home." (I need
to talk with you so badly that I’ll do anything to reach
you.)
Narcissistic Demands: Paying attention to themselves
and their own needs, often to the extreme. For this reason,
BPs sometimes have a hard time when other people are the focus
of attention, such as birthday parties. BPs may also have
a hard time giving support when it is needed (such as a partner’s
illness)
Apparent
Manipulation: People who are about someone with BPD often
feel manipulated and lied to. This may be the result of BP's
of trying to get what they want the only way they know how--through
emotional blackmail. This usually is not purposeful. Rather,
it is the result of the BP not being as skilled in relating
to others. Non-BPs are often prone to the BP's use of fear,
obligation and guilt and give the BP what they want.
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