Reposted with permission from WTO. Note: many of these characteristics are common to those who are codependent.

Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2000 12:04:39 -0600

From: "KiiskeeN'tum" turtleisland@escape.ca

Subject: characteristics common to Non's.

Tansi all!

The conversation thread about DSM-IV criteria for us as non-BPs reminded me of a thread we had a while back about the characteristics that we as Non's often have in common.  Pack-rat that I am, I often save pieces of information that I think might be of use in the future.

I do not believe, either personally or professionally that being a non is a bad thing.  It only becomes so when we end up in unhealthy relationships and are unable to adequately care for ourselves and maintain our own mental wellness and health.

My realization was that these characteristics are all wonderful, in moderation and in balance. Being solution focussed, I had collected this list, and said, "Okay, this is what's wrong with me, now let's 'fix' me!" After reviewing them I began thinking about balance.  That is a balance between over-flexibility and rigidity/structure/boundaries. 

Another subscriber also passed along an analogy about stress tolerances in metals.  The basic idea was that if one made steel that had too many tolerances on the high side of flexible, the steel was worthless.  Tolerances in too many of these characteristics that are 'too flexible' without a balance of rigidity seem to be what gets us as non-BPs into deep trouble.

Caution: As with any such list, not ALL of these characteristics will fit ALL of us, nor is it likely that most of us will have All of them.

Being a pack-rat turtle (collector of the unusual), I am interested in expanding this list to include anything that we may have missed the first time around. Those who are so inclined, may respond and add on.  Please email me your responses directly to turtleisland@escape.ca as well as to the main list so that I can add them a little easier.  At some point I hope that it's included in the 'Nook' at BPD central.

So here is that list.  Common Characteristics of Non's.

1. Desire to make others happy even at our own expense (co-dependency)

2. Not looking after our own needs

3. Excessive flexibility.

4. A feeling we have to do better. and our best is never enough

(perfectionism).

5. An inability to focus on ourselves and a tendency to be too easily led

into focusing (unhealthily) on our BP. (It's easier to think about other

people's problems than my own.)

6. Lack of clear boundaries (other people wouldn't tolerate the raging).

7. A feeling we always know better (enough to drive even the sanest into a BP

rage).

8. An intensity/devotion to commitment and fidelity.. Intransigent hope

coupled to expectation that we *must* be able to effect something positive to

improve the circumstances.

9. Willingness to interpret the slightest "improvement" as undeniable progress

10. Willingness to abandon ourselves, with determination to not "abandon"

another and the inability to recognize that this solves nothing except to

continue the self-devaluation that began the spiral --only now, it is cloaked

in a definition of humanity.

11. Poor self-image/out of focus or simply self-hatred.

12. Nothing I do is good enough/ the need to be criticized.

13. Justify my existence by doing for others.

14. Need to be controlled/unable to trust in self-direction

15. Irrational loyalty to others--(what Dusty calls willingness to abandon

self but not others.

16. Inability to recognize our own hurt feelings when emotional injured.

17. The ability to make an instant assessment but to delay action

(deer-in-the- headlights syndrome).

18. The ability to delay gratification, even forever

19. Long-suffering, martyrdom - nobody else could stand this, but I can and I

do.

20. The ability to co-operate but not to delegate.

21. The initial ability to see the forest through the trees but eventually

the inability to escape the jungle.

22. An inability to allow people to fail or suffer

23. An inability to allow people to fail or suffer

24. The tendency to feel responsible for others at the expense of being

responsible for ourselves

25. Unsure about our own value and dependent on the other person's opinion.

26. Willing to jump through burning hoops while bending over backwards, way

out of your way, in order to win back the approval of someone who once

appeared to approve; willingness to keep trying no matter what.

27. Excessive conscientiousness.

28. Willing to appear "too good for this world" - with good intentions,

optimism, a forgiving nature, we advertise unconditional love, offer a place

where a BP can feel warm and secure - for a while.

29. Belief that I am the only salvation for the "poor" BP in my life if he/she would

believe in me, we would both find true happiness.

30. Drawn to drama, passion and fairy tales; belief in a soul mate and

happily ever after.

31. If I "saved" this person, he/she would be eternally obligated and

grateful to me - read: would never leave me; abandonment issues of my own

32. Low self-confidence, meaning that I think that I do not deserve anything

better than what I'm getting.

Deedee

Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to!

Wishing you Love, Peace and Joy, KiiskeeN'tum-She Who Remembers