Suicide Threats That Feel Manipulative
, or 
"I'll Kill Myself If You Leave Me"

(From Stop Walking on Eggshells, 1998, New Harbinger, Randi Kreger and Paul T Mason, MS)

According to the DSM-IV, 8 to 10 percent of all people with BPD commit  suicide. Of the six million people in North America who have the disorder,  180,000 to 600,000 will die by their own hands. This number is equivalent to a Titanic sinking every day for four months to a year.

According to John Mann and Beth Brodsky (1997), when compared to people with  depression or schizophrenia, borderlines are more likely to make nonlethal  suicide attempts, constantly think of suicide, and make repeated suicide  threats. The presence of other illnesses such as major depression, substance  abuse, and eating disorders seems to magnify the likelihood of actual suicide.

If the BP in your life really wants to die, you need assistance beyond what we can provide in this book. Please seek immediate professional help. You may  also wish to call a local crisis line or hospital emergency department and ask for guidance. Then, keep the phone numbers of these people and places  right by the phone.

Feeling Manipulated by Suicide Threats

When the suicide threats appear to be an attempt to scare you or make you do  something you don't want to do, your sympathy and concern may begin to dissolve into anger and resentment. For example, many non-BPs said that when their relationships with the BPs were over, the BPs implied that they would kill themselves if the non-BPs did not return. Non-BPs on the receiving end of these threats feel extremely guilty, confused, and worried.

Ellis and Newman (1996) explain, "The sense of collaboration and togetherness you once had with the suicidal person diminishes, while the uncomfortable  power struggle increases."

Comments like, "If you really cared whether I lived or died you would come back to me," and "You make me want to die" have something in common: they make someone else's decision whether to live or die conditional on your response. This is unfair to both parties.

Sometimes the BPD sufferer will try to make you believe that you are responsible for their misery, and that you will be to blame if they kill themselves. Remind yourself that you are not threatening the other person with homicide-the other person is threatening suicide. You're dealing with someone who needs immediate professional attention much more than they need your capitulation.

What Not to Do
Newman and Ellis suggest avoiding the following actions with someone threatening suicide:

• Don't get into an argument with the BP about whether or not they are serious about wanting to die-even if you're angry and feel like venting. The person may attempt suicide simply to prove you wrong.

• Don't confront the BP and accuse them of manipulating you. Again, this may turn into a power struggle. If the BP is asking you to do something that is against your better judgment, follow your instincts. However, if the two of you are in a session with a mental health professional, it can be helpful to talk about how this behavior is making you feel.

• Be extremely cautious about relenting just to prove that you really care.  Contrary to what an angry, distraught BP may be telling you, you don't have to prove anything. Say Newman and Ellis, "When you give in to the threats, you will still be angry, the BP will still be at risk for self-harm at any time, and the underlying issues will not have been addressed. Plus, it is likely that the same scenario will repeat itself again and again."
  
  If you have a history of complying with demands because you believed that suicide was imminent, we suggest obtaining professional help for one or the both of you before the next crisis occurs.

What To Do
Suicide threats that feel manipulative are the ultimate in no-win situations.  Whether you comply with the BP's wishes or not, the risks are unacceptable. So, Newman and Ellis say, the best thing to do is to simply refuse to be put in this position, despite the BP's attempts to make you feel responsible for their life and death. Just say no, following the guidelines that follow.

Express your support and concern for the BP while firmly maintaining your personal limits. You can do both, even if the BP thinks otherwise. You can accomplish this with mirroring responses that put the choice of life or death back where it belongs-with the BP-while stating as strongly as possible that you care about the BP and you want them to choose life and seek help. Newman and Ellis give these sample responses, which we have paraphrased:

• In response to "I'll kill myself if you leave me":
  
  "I'm not breaking up with you to be cruel. I'm very, very sorry that this hurts you. I want what's best for you in the future, but I just can't be part of it. And even if I were to stay with you, that wouldn't solve our problems.   For one thing, your life's worth should be based on much more than just being in a relationship with me. Secondly, I know that you know deep inside that our relationship shouldn't be based on me staying because I'm afraid of you dying and you staying because you think you can't live without me. That's not healthy. I care about you. And because I care about you, I want you to live.  And I want you to find your own happiness, and your own life's worth, without 
  me."
  

• In response to "If you really cared whether I lived or died, you would come home every weekend":
  
  "The fact that I love you and am concerned about you is already beyond doubt.  I feel like I have proven my love time and time again, and I suspect that  even if I did come home every weekend, that wouldn't be enough for you. I  want to see you, and I do plan on coming up once a month or so. The fact is that I can't visit every weekend because I have my own family now and my own  life to attend to. Perhaps the answer is that you need more things to do on your own, or more friends you can get together with on Saturday and Sunday. You used to talk about a lady you played cards with from your church; have you seen her lately?"

These statements should be accompanied by statements that show that you are taking the threats of suicide very seriously. Show warmth and concern in your voice and actions. 

For example, you might say, "We have to get you to the hospital. This is a matter of life and death." Show that a serious threat warrants a serious response. In this way, you give appropriate attention to the BP's cry for help while making it clear that you aren't qualified to give the professional help that is necessary in such extreme situations.

In certain circumstances, you may wish to enlist the support of other people in the BP's life: parents, relatives, friends, teachers, etc. Don't keep this kind of behavior a secret; find other people who are willing to support you and the BP.