This is about responding to questions about when PUVAS isn't appropriate
when the person is snipping, being sarcastic, or (ok, here it comes) just a
jerk. This is from Stop Walking On Eggshells, Paul Mason, MS and Randi Kreger,
chapter 7. You may forward this email with credit to source.
Asserting
Your Needs with Confidence and Clarity
Stop
“Sponging” and Start “Mirroring”
Some
non-BPs absorb their BP’s projections and soak up their pain and rage
(sponging). These non-BPs may be under the illusion that they are helping the
borderline. But in fact, by not reflecting the BP’s painful feelings back to
their rightful owner (mirroring), they are rewarding them for using these
defense mechanisms and making it more likely that the borderline will continue
to use them in the future.
People
who act like sponges say they feel like they are trying to fill a black hole
of emptiness inside the BP. But no matter how much love, caring, and devotion
they pour into the hole, it is never enough. So they blame themselves and work
even more frantically to fill the hole. At the same time, the BP feels the
very real and terrifying pain of the aching cavity and urges the non-BP to
work even harder and faster at filling the hole. If the BP is the acting-out
type, they may castigate the non-BP for being lazy or indifferent to their
terrible anguish. If the BP acts in, they may tearfully beg the non-BP to do
something—anything—to end their suffering.
But
it’s all a diversion to keep the BP and non-BP from addressing the real
issue: The emptiness belongs to the person with BPD, and the only person who
can fill it is the BP themselves.
How
to Respond to Mild Disagreement
Following
are some countermove tactics discussed by Susan Forward (1997).
The Spin: The blackmailer tells you that their motivations are pure and honorable,
while yours are underhanded, unscrupulous, and self-serving. (It’s common
for non-BPs who set limits to be split into the “bad” person.)
Labeling: The blackmailer calls you names that reinforce their “spun”
viewpoint and undermine your sense of reality. Many of these are actually
projections.
Pathologizing: The blackmailer tries to convince you that you are not just acting
bad—you are bad (or sick, messed up, damaged, etc.). The higher the stakes,
the more likely it is that this will happen. Many non-BP’s told us that the
BPs in their lives accused them of having BPD.
Enlisting Allies: The blackmailer asks other people to pressure you. This seems to be most
common when the BP is a parent. In one case, a borderline mother showed up at
her daughter’s door with four relatives to back her up.
When
responding, it’s important to stay away from arguments about whether your
limits are right or wrong. Here are some sample responses to some typical
statements:
BP:
You’re
a bad (selfish, etc.) person for making this request.
Non-BP:
I
understand you think that I’m a bad person, but I feel good about myself and
I’m proud that I respect myself enough to set this limit.
BP:
You
must hate me.
Non-BP:
No,
I don’t. In fact, I care about you so much that I want to work together to
make our relationship better. I also care for and respect myself, which is why
I’m bringing this up.
BP:
You’re
manipulative and controlling.
Non-BP:
I
understand that you think I’m manipulative and controlling. I feel it’s
your job to make choices and decide how you want to act. And it’s my job to
think about the things I’m comfortable with and the things I’m not. I’ve
thought about this a great deal, and this is very important to me and my own
self-respect.
BP:
You
shouldn’t feel that way.
Non-BP:
Perhaps
if you were in my position, you wouldn’t feel this way. We’re two
different people, and we each have our own beliefs, feelings, and opinions. I
am asking you to respect my feelings, even if you don’t share them.
BP:
You’re
the child. I’m the parent.
Non-BP:
I
am your child. And I’m not a little girl (boy) anymore. I’m an adult, and
it’s time for me to make my own decisions based on my own feelings and
beliefs. You may not agree with me, and that’s your right. It’s my right
to act in ways that respect myself.
Other
non-argumentative responses include:
q
That’s
your choice.
q
I
would like to talk about this later when things have calmed down.
q
I
need to think about this more.
q
There
are no villains here. We just see things differently.
q
I’m
not willing to take more than 50 percent of the responsibility.
q
I
know you don’t like this, but it’s not negotiable.
q
I
know you want an answer right now, but I need time to think.
q
I
won’t be put in the middle. You need to work that out with them.
How
to Respond to Intense Disagreement
When
the BP increases the intensity of their responses, the implicit message is:
“You are taking away my method of coping and I cannot stand these
feelings—so change back!” If they shouted before, now they will rage out
of control. If they previously accused you of being selfish, now they will
call you the most self-centered, egotistical, and controlling person in the
world. If they coped by using violence (self-mutilation or battering), the
violence may become more severe. Chapter 8 will address how to protect
yourself from violence.
Persisting
for Change
If
Your Limits Aren’t Observed
If
you want the BP to change, you have to be willing to make some changes
yourself if the person does not observe your limits. Think about the things
you can do, not the things you feel you can’t do. Be creative. For example:
1.
You
can change the subject or refuse to discuss the matter.
2.
You
can leave the room or hang up the phone.
3.
You
can change your phone number, get Caller ID, or change the door locks.
4.
You
can go in your room and shut the door.
5.
You
can be with the person only when a third party is present.
6.
You
can refuse to read the person’s mail or E-mail. You can change your
Internet address.
7.
You
can stop the car or refuse to drive with the person.
8.
You
can say no firmly without changing your mind.
9.
You
can ask for help from therapists or friends, even if the BP doesn’t want
you to do so.
10.
You
can call a crisis line or shelter.
11.
You
can call the police and get a restraining order.
12.
You
can stop seeing the person for awhile or break off the relationship
altogether.
13.
You
can find alternative places for a child to stay (e.g., a group home, a
distant relative, etc.).
14.
You
can take steps to protect children from abusive situations (e.g., taking the
kids out when the BP is raging, reporting child abuse, and seeking sole
custody).
Naturally,
all of these things will be perceived as abandonment by the person with BPD.
That’s why you may need to gently point out that you are not acting against
them, you are acting for yourself. Explain that your limits are essential to
the health of the relationship and that you are asking the BP to observe them
so you can be with them for a very long time.
Consistency
Is the Key
Within
reason, we suggest you observe your limits in a gentle way every time—even
when you’re tired or when you’d rather avoid a fight. You may not always
be able to take immediate action, but you can’t let unacceptable behavior go
unnoticed, or you may actually reinforce it. Again, preparation is key. Think
through the “what ifs” and decide ahead of time, if you can, what steps
you will take in each case.
Use
the Utmost Caution
BPD
is a serious personality disorder. It is crucial that you seek outside help
from a competent mental health professional if you have any reason to believe
that the countermoves may be more severe than you can handle alone.
If
children are involved, we strongly suggest that you consult with a qualified
mental health professional about how to best protect children under difficult
circumstances. It is essential that this person be knowledgeable about both
BPD and issues involving children. If this person’s recommendations go
against your gut instincts, you may wish to get a second opinion. Remember,
each person with BPD is different, and each child is different.
If
you are a father who is worried about visitation, custody, or false
accusations, we strongly recommend talking with an attorney who is familiar
with father’s rights issues before you make any sudden moves. It is crucial
that anyone you consult with is familiar with these types of situations and
has dealt with them successfully (see appendix D for references).
If
the BP in your life is your parent and you were physically or emotionally
abused as a child, we suggest that you work with a mental health professional
to make sure that you are emotionally ready to ask your parent to observe your
limits and that you are prepared for any response they might have.
Whatever
your circumstances, you may need a great deal of love, support, and validation
as you stand up for yourself. Some of the important people in your life may be
able to support you; ask for their help. Other people may disagree with your
actions because they feel it threatens their own relationship with the BP, or
because it contradicts their own firmly held beliefs about how things should
be. This is normal. Acknowledge their right to have their own opinions, and
express your desire to keep your relationship with them separate from your
relationship with the BP.
Measure
Your Success by the Things You Can Control
The
person with BPD in your life may or may not respond as you would like during
any one particular conversation. This is beyond your control. So measure your
success by the factors you can control. Ask yourself:
q
Did
you respond as an adult, not as a child?
q
Did
you act in a way that demonstrates your self-respect?
q
Were
you clear about your position?
q
Did
you remain focused, even if the BP tried to draw you off track?
q
Did
you remain calm and composed?
q
Did
you refuse to be baited and drawn into a losing argument?
q
Were
you considerate of the other person’s feelings, even if they did not give
you the same consideration?
Did you maintain a firm grip on your own reality
while maintaining an open mind toward the BP’s concerns?