BPDCentral message boards and chat rooms

If you have any concerns, please write Randi at randibpd@aol.com. Please do not respond to troublesome posts or get into arguments. If you see someone disregarding the guidelines, report it. Do not respond. Thank you

1: WHY THESE BOARDS ARE HERE: There are many lists for non-BPs. But these lists are not archived for member privacy. So new members often start all over again with questions that have been gone into at great length. This message board has been designed so new BPs can look at topics and threads that have been designed to stay and be archived. This will help get them up to speed ASAP. Please keep in mind that because these have been designed to stay, compose your message carefully. Make sure it is worth reading six months from now. In other words, please no "Me too!" messages or things that clutter up the boards. Please keep topics ON TRACK. Messages are moderated, but only to ensure the following guidelines.

2. BORDERLINE POSTING: This is a Non BP message board; as such, the number one goal of the list is to provide a place for the Non BPs to feel comfortable to discuss common concerns. Those diagnosed with BPD, however, are welcome to join IF AND ONLY IF the discussion still revolves around Non BP issues (coping with a BP's cutting) rather than BP issues (how to stop cutting). There are other message boards for people with BPD. If you have BPD, are in recovery and you can provide insight, that is great. If you are here for any other reason, you shouldn't be.

3: TOPICS OF DISCUSSION: Topics must relate to BPD. Off-topic posts are distracting. If you want to follow up on a non-BP related subject or send a personal warm message, please send the person a personal message and respect their wishes for contact. Following are some common slang words we use:
: SLANG: Slang that may be used on the boards include:
* BP=person in your life who has BPD

* Non-BP=Person who is affected by someone else's BPD, e.g. you and your family

* BPSO=BP significant other

* XBPSO=Ex BPSO

* Hoovered=After the vacuum cleaner, to be sucked back into the relationship for another ride on the rollercoaster. Non-BPs keep the hover sucking by responding to the hoover.

* SWOE: The book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger and Paul Mason, MS, for non-BPs. To order, call 888-357-4355 7/24. If you have questions, call during the day and ask for Nancy or Diane. Or, email your CC number, expiration date, name, address, name of book(let), number of book(lets) to bchouse@book-clearing-house.com. Or visit http://www.bpdcentral.com/eggshells.html

* L and L: "Love and Loathing: Protecting Your Mental Health and Legal Rights When Your Partner Has BPD." A booklet NOW AVAILABLE by Randi Kreger and Kim Williams-Justensen and several experts for people with partners with BPD. An advanced chapter that doesn't repeat SWOE info and discusses legal issues, abuse, leaving the relationship, protecting children, effects of BPD behavior on kids, deciding to stay or leave, hints for new non-BPs, the problems men face in court, parental alienation syndrome, and in general all the partnership issues discussed on this list. To order, see above. Unlike SWOE, this is NOT available in bookstores or through Amazon.com or anywhere else  besides 1-888-357-4355. L and L is 86 pages in 11 point type, 8.5 x 11. Both SWOE and L and L may be returned for a full refund for any reason, as long as they are in resalable condition.

* Oz=When the BP tests our sense of reality; the feeling of disorientation as if "you're not in Kansas anymore."

* PUVAS: A communication technique Randi came up with sitting in the bathtub. It's for responding to the BP's rages or outbursts. The PUV stands for pay attention, understand fully and validate them. This can be done as one set. It is very important that the first thing out of your mouth be something along the lines of "I hear you." A and S are for you. They are Assert My Reality and Shift/Share the Responsibility. Assert your reality means that neither one of you has to have the TRUTH. It simply means that you are entitled to your sense of reality as well as anyone else. Shift/Share means that in a relationship, both people are 100% responsible for their 50% of the relationship. PUVAS is discussed in "Love and Loathing" and "Walking on Eggshells," a 60-page booklet that preceded SWOE and is still available at  the same number (888 357-4355).

* DEAR is BPD Researcher Dr. Marsha Linehan's theory and is about how to ask for things and set limits. This is covered in her literature and those mentioned above. It stands for Describe, Express what you want, Assert the benefit and Reinforce the benefit.


4: CONFIDENTIALITY: Confidentiality is important to everyone. There is a strong sense of trust and caring here. You, though, are responsible for what you say here. Reveal only those things you feel safe about revealing. We cannot promise that the things you say here are unconditionally confidential because we get thousands of visitors.

6: TO POST ANONYMOUSLY: Go to Yahoo.com, Hotmail.com or Altavista.Com or another site that offers Web-based email or forwarding, make a new email address for yourself, and subscribe using that name. When it asks you for your REAL name, we suggest you make one up. But you didn't hear that from us. These sites are mainly concerned about people using their service for spam, not for confidentiality. In addition, robot spiders may pick up the screen names of people who post, and this will protect your usual name from spam.

6: BP CONFIDENTIALITY: Since the person with BPD in your life (the BP) has NOT chosen to reveal information about him/herself, please do not reveal details that would invade the privacy of the BP.

7: GIVING ADVICE: Please feel free to share how you cope/coped with various things--that's the purpose of this forum! But please be cautious about making blanket statements like "You *should* do this and that" especially when you don't know the person well. Although it may not seem so on the surface, the person's situation may be different from yours. Or, the other person may need to come to his own conclusions on his or her own time frame.

8: FLAMING: Our group has a warm and caring atmosphere, one which we enthusiastically support and care about. Flames (nasty yelling or sarcastic responses), while certainly a venerable part of Internet culture, are contrary to what we want to preserve and encourage on this board. So flames are not allowed. If someone breaks this rule, please do not flame them back. This will only make the situation worse. Instead, please send the entire post to BPDCentral@aol.com and we will take care of it. On the other hand, disagree all you want with the person's ideas. But if you disagree with  something someone says, disagree about the issue; please don't be disagreeable to the person. Remember, your posts may be read by thousands of people. Please be cautious about people's feelings and they will be to yours.

9: DIVERSITY: We are a diverse community from many countries, comprising many races, religions, value systems, and beliefs. Sometimes people of certain religions assume that everyone shares their beliefs; at worst, they want to impose these beliefs on everyone. Feel free to speak about what's important to YOU and how your values and beliefs affect your BPD relationship. But please be careful and don't assume that everyone else is the same.

10. BEING JUDGMENTAL: Having a BPD partner is not easy, and sometimes people do things you may not approve of: e.g., have affairs. We are all at different stages, we all have different situations, and we all have different considerations and backgrounds. Please do not be judgmental about how another person lives their life--if you do, you will make it harder for others to post for fear of being judged. It takes some people a lot of courage to speak up, and a Dr. Laura-type "don't be so stupid" approach can do a lot of harm. Be gentle. And people will be gentle with you.

11: OFF BOARD MAIL/HARASSMENT: For obvious reasons, we do not control off-list email between subscribers. However, we ask that you ensure that these relationships are consensual and that people want to receive your off-list mail.

12: ANGER AND BLAMING: It's crucial to keep in mind that non-BPs often go through stages of being very angry and blaming the person with BPD for all their problems--just like the person with BPD can blame the non-BP for all THEIR problems. However, these are STAGES. When people post, you are seeing a "snapshot" of what is happening with their lives and emotions. You are NOT seeing the "whole movie." Most of the time, after non-BPs work through some of their pain and grief, they DO come to realize the part that THEY played in the relationship. And although they may be very angry with the BP, they can also care a great deal for the person. If they didn't, they wouldn't be here.

13: BLANKET NEGATIVE STATEMENTS: However, if you feel angry and blaming, we suggest trying to avoid making blanket negative statements about BPs or Nons that are unsupported by clinical literature. People are extremely diverse. The BP or non-BP in YOUR life, for example, may be XYZ. But that doesn't mean that all 10 million BPs or all 30 million non-BPs in North America are XYZ. If someone makes a generalization that you don't agree with, try not to take it personally.

14: ACCURACY OF ADVICE: Please remember that each person has his or her own opinions. People may or may not have the expertise to answer questions or give feedback. Please take the source into content and remember you are  always responsible for your own life!

15: SWEARING: Since we have no control over who views these boards or chats, please be sensible about what you post. We are counting on your own good judgment and will intervene only if we have to. You are welcome to talk about sexual  issues as they relate to BPD and as you need help.