Coping with Grief and Loss Related to BPD

By Dee Dee (with thanks to Elizabeth Kubler Ross)

 From the moment we are born into this physical world, we are subject to growth and change in all areas of our lives: emotional, physical, social and spiritual.  Change can be something we actively seek, or it can be thrust upon us from outside in ways which are difficult to understand.  As babies, we have no control over our physical environment. Our parents and caregivers are responsible for meeting our needs for food, warmth, love and safety.  As we grow into children, adolescents and adults, we move into areas of more responsibilities.  As we advance into old age, we come back full circle.  All this is as it should be.

All change is about the loss of what is current, moving forward into what is new or different.  Irrespective of our physical age, ethnic background or residence, some changes occur over which we have no influence.  The loss of family and friends is one of them.  This may happen through illness, accident, violence, suicide or the ending of a relationship like marriage.  When the loss is related to an illness or disorder, like Borderline Personality Disorder, we may find that others do not understand our grief, particularly if we were the ones who ‘chose’ to leave or end the relationship.

The following is a work in progress on grieving the loss of a relationship related specifically to Borderline Personality Disorder.  It is meant as a resource only.  Please take the parts that are helpful for you and leave the rest behind.  I welcome suggestions, comments and feedback.

When we grieve, as we do when a relationship is lost, ends or changes, we often grieve the loss of the ‘dream’ we had about the relationship.  This may include the dream of having children, raising them in a two parent loving family, growing old with someone, the sharing and intimacy that we seek within relationship between men and women. 

Borderline Personality Disorder and our contact with it by loving or caring about someone who has it, forever alters the fabric of our lives in so many ways, regardless of our personal beliefs or lack of personal beliefs.

Since we are all human beings, we all respond to change, loss and grief in a more or less similar manner.  It is generally accepted that coping with grief and loss involves six stages.  There is no set time for each one to take. Individuals, even from the same family may spend different times in each one.  Some may remain ‘stuck’ in any one of the six, or progress rapidly through all.  Because no two people are alike, each of us has different ways of expressing our feelings, different ways of acting out our pain, but overall, we follow the same.

By having an understanding of the process involved in grief, loss and change, and having information about the resources available to us, we can make informed choices, assist our families and friends in making better choices and improve the quality of our lives.

 

Stages of Grief and Loss

Stage # 1: Shock, Denial and Isolation.  Shock, denial and the need to be alone are normal, 

biological, systemic reactions to trauma and pain  None of us who have experienced life with someone who has this disorder can say we have not been traumatized and hurt.  Those with this disorder seem to have an innate ability to find all our vulnerabilities and use them to hurt and wound us.  Denial is a means to refuse to accept the reality of the traumatic event, illness or death.  Denial becomes a buffer, a breathing space, to accept the alteration to our personal reality that the loss creates for us.  Our need for isolation may take many forms: staying in our rooms, avoiding discussing our feelings, staying very busy, refusing to answer the phone or talk.

Stage #2: Anger.  Anger is a feeling. All our feelings and emotions are given to us by our Creator.  In and of themselves, they are not good or bad.  They just are.  It is how we choose to act or react that creates a positive or negative energy  (and consequences) not only for ourselves, but for others around us.  When we have been living with someone with this disorder, we may have found ourselves hiding our feelings behind various masks, or pretending that we are not hurt, wounded, lost, in pain, sad, angry, or a thousand other combinations of feelings.  When we first leave the relationship whether our choice or our partners, we may find ourselves experiencing all the feelings we have hidden away or repressed.  The average life of a feeling is, at most, about eight minutes, unless we continually ‘re-escalate’ our feelings by self talk.  Self talk is the ‘back ground’ thoughts we have inside our heads.  It can be really crucial to find resources such as counseling/therapy and other support groups where it is ‘safe’ to share our feelings.

Stage #3:  Bargaining.  During this stage we try to bargain with God (Creator) or what ever we envision as our ‘higher power’ to change the event, influence our futures or take away the pain.  If I never...God will...As this relates to BPD, we  may ‘bargain’ our way back into the relationship, or allow ourselves to be ‘hoovered’ back into it.

Stage # 4: Depression.  Symptoms include:  withdrawing from friends, family, social activities, abuse of alcohol, drugs, feelings of exhaustion, sleeping long hours, and others.  Our feelings are numbed, minimized, and diminished.  Our feelings are ‘pushed down’, made very small, possibly because we are carrying so much pain that we cannot believe we will ever get through it, or that it will ever hurt less.

Stage # 5: Acceptance.  This means coming to terms with our loss, the feelings associated with it, accepting the changes that have occurred, and moving on with our lives.  This does not mean that we stop caring about the person with the disorder, but accept that unless they seek treatment and stay with it, there is little we can do, other than look after ourselves.

Stage #6:  Hope. This means moving past the acceptance of the loss to finding some meaning or reason, learning or discovering the thread of meaning that ties together our past, present and future.  This does not mean ‘jumping’ into another relationship.  It usually means taking time to look after ourselves, heal, continue or begin counseling and therapy to deal with our own ‘fall out’ from the trauma we have experienced while in a relationship with someone with this disorder.

 

You Can Help....

If you are a friend or family member of someone who is experiencing grief, you can help.  The following are suggestions as a point of beginning.

Say: I’m Sorry.

Let them talk.  Share with them about the person or the relationship.  Share personal memories, both happy and sad, with them.

Help out with everyday tasks, like household chores, errands, cooking, laundry, child care, etc.

Let them know who is available in the community as a resource: community health workers, counselors, ministers, Elders, teachers, human resource workers.  Encourage them to get professional help when needed.

Help them understand that the feelings of sadness, anger, and disorientation are normal and won’t last forever.

Everyone has his or her own unique way of coping and healing, in their own way and time.  Be patient.

Do not initiate sexual relationships during times of high emotional stress, no matter how great the temptation.

Accept the person without judging their actions.  Provide emotional support and  encourage them to make healthier and safer choices.

Be responsible for your own health: emotional, physical, and spiritual.

As much as we carry these losses in our hearts and spirits, we must remember to give thanks and appreciation to our Creator for the gift of our own lives, each and every day.