Are people with BPD manipulative?

Manipulation or Desperation?

It's no secret that non-BPs often feel manipulated and lied to by their border loved lineones. In other words, they feel controlled or taken advantage of through means such as threats, no-win situations, the "silent treatment," rages, and other methods they view as unfair.
We believe that, in most cases, the BP's behavior is not intentionally manipulative. Rather, this kind of behavior can be seen as desperate attempts to cope with painful feelings or to get their needs met-without the aim of harming others.

The Non-BP Point of View

Susan Forward (1997) defines emotional blackmail as a direct or indirect threat by someone to punish someone if they don't do what the person wants. "At the heart of [emotional blackmail] is one basic threat, which can be expressed in many different ways: if you don't behave the way I want you to, you will suffer."

Forward explains that people who use this technique-which is widely used by all types of people, not just BPs-can skillfully mask the pressure they're applying to people, who often experience it in ways that make them question their perception of what's happening.

Almost universally, non-BPs say they feel manipulated by the BPs in their lives. If the non-BP doesn't do what the BP wants them to do, BPs may threaten to break off the relationship, call the police, or even kill themselves.

The BP Point of View

The terms "manipulation" and "emotional blackmail" imply some sort of devious, planned intent. While this may be true for some people, borderlines who appear to be manipulative usually act impulsively out of fear, loneliness, desperation, and hopelessness- not maliciousness.

Marsha Linehan (1993) writes:

People with BPD do influence others, such as through the threat of impending suicide or through communications of intense pain and agony. But this, by itself, is not evidence of manipulation. Otherwise, we would have to say that people in pain or crises are "manipulating" us if we respond to them.

In our interview with psychiatrist Larry J. Siever, he said: Although [people with BPD] can be apparently manipulative, they don't think about the behavior as such. They're trying to meet their needs in the only way they know how. Somebody has to relieve their anger or anxiety or distress or sense of impending annihilation right now. They are trying to elicit a response to soothe them, to help them feel better.

Degrees of Awareness

In our experience, people with BPD have varying degrees of conscious awareness that their behavior could be perceived as manipulative-just like most people do.

A. J. Mahari (BP)
My days and thoughts are not consumed by plans of how to push which button in whom. My actions are about survival and preserving my identity; they are not some preplanned sporting activity.

Petrova (BP)
Often I realize my motivations only after the incident is over. Once, I was so upset that my husband was ignoring me at Christmas that, right in front of him, I began destroying all the gifts he had just given me. My husband stopped me as I was about to rip apart the gift I loved most: a book of love poetry. When I saw the book, it dawned on me that I never would have ruined it. I was more interested in seeing my husband try to stop me. If I had been living alone, the whole episode would have never happened. So why did I do it? The answer was ugly and harsh, shameful and disgusting. Manipulation. I felt deeply ashamed.

Laurey (BP)
While others might feel manipulative, I feel powerless. Sometimes I just hurt so bad from the mean things that people do to me, real or perceived, or I'm so desperately feeling abandoned, that I withdraw and pout and go silent. At some point people get pissed off and fed up with that crap and they go away and then I'm left with nothing all over again.

It is important that you understand the differences between manipulation and desperation. The BP's behavior is more about them than you. For example, it may help to be able to look at a self- mutilating BP's behavior as self-punishment, rather than as a way to "trap" the non-BP into a relationship.

disclaimer