Learning
to take care of yourself
The following excerpt from the book The
Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and
Reclaiming Yourself will explain how you can begin taking
care of yourself . It may also help you figure out something that
may keep you in an abusive relationship. The book is by Beverly
Engel, MFCC. It was published in 1990 by Ballantine Books, and
is about 230 pages. Although the book is directed at women, it
applies equally to both sexes:
If
you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, you will need
to learn how to take care of yourself. You will need to learn
how to stop rescuing, to set your personal limits and boundaries,
and how to be assertive.
One
of the reasons you may have been so attractive to an emotionally
abusive person is that it has been clear from the start that
you could be manipulated into taking care of him, and furthermore,
that his needs were more important than yours. One of the most
important things you can do is to begin to put your own needs
first.
If
you learned as a child that your needs were unimportant, you
may believe that taking care of yourself is a selfish act. But
your highest responsibility is to yourself. When you take care
of your own needs first, you will be able to be a genuinely
caring, giving person, not a martyr. Although it will be uncomfortable
at first, and you may be afraid that others won't like you unless
you are giving to them, keep trying. [Note: the book then gives
more specific information on how to begin this process.]
If
you are going to begin setting and enforcing additional boundaries
with someone who has BPD, we strongly advise learning all you
can about the disorder, becoming educated about boundaries, and
talking with a professional therapist. A borderline might feel
threatened by new boundaries and might react in ways you cannot
anticipate. We suggest you choose a therapist who understands
BPD (see "Programs
and Therapists" for guidelines.)
The
following is from another section of the book:
Some
types of people are attracted to people who are emotionally abusive.
They complain, blame, and try to control. Yet they continue to
allow others to hurt them. In reality, they are more comfortable
complaining and feeling resentful than acknowledging how very
hurt and angry they are. They push their thoughts and feelings
out of awareness by focusing all their energy on other people.
They stay busy so they won't have to think about things and face
reality. They ignore problems and pretend they aren't happening.
They pretend that things aren't as bad as they really are.
The
irony is that as much as a "codependent" feels responsibility
for others and takes care of others, she believes deep down
that other people are responsible for her. She blames others
for her unhappiness and problems, and feels that it's other
people's fault that she's unhappy.
Another
irony is that while she feels controlled by people and events,
she herself is overly controlling. She is afraid of allowing
other people to be who they are and of allowing events to happen
naturally. An expert in knowing best how things should turn
out and how people should behave, the codependent person tries
to control others through threats, coercion, advice giving,
helplessness, guilt, manipulation, or domination.
Are
you codependent? Author Melody Beattie (Codependent
No More) developed this list:
Do
you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts,
actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny? Do
you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by
trying to take care of their feelings? Do
you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices
done to others than about injustices done to you? Do
you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to
others? Do
you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you? Do
you feel empty, bored and worthless if you don't have someone
else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal
with? Are
you often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about
other people and their problems? Do
you lose interest in your own life when you are in love? Do
you stay in relationships that don't work and tolerate abuse
in order to keep people loving you? Do
you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don't
work, either?
If
you answered "yes" to more than half these questions,
you're probably codependent.
We're
not suggesting that codependency is the only reason you
may be in a chosen relationship with a borderline. There are many
many others, including the fact that the BP has many good qualities
that drew you to him or her in the first place!
|
