Help for Families
Step 5: How to Cope: Reinforce the Right Behavior
Step 5 (or Powertool 5) in the Beyond Blame System has to do with how you act, not what you say. Now that you've set your limits and communicated them to your family member, the next step (step 5) is learning how to maintain them. The key is to remember that the real message is not what you say, but what you do.
Here are some typical comments from Welcome to Oz members:
- “When I set my boundaries, I had all kinds of newfound resolve. But when he tried to dismantle them, I went soft. Just when I thought I’d reached the end of my rope, the rope got longer.”
- “When I set limits, he always has some sneaky way of getting around them—even if the purpose of the limits was to help him.”
- “After I set a boundary, he would improve his behavior for a while—even long periods. But then all hell would break loose. Boundaries set, boundaries broken. The cycle just keeps going.”
Your family member will test your limits many times to see how seriously you are taking them. This is human nature: We learn as young children that even if Dad wants to spend the day in a hammock, we can get him to take us to Mount Splashmore if we ask a enough times in a high, whining tone and refuse to give up.