Help for Families
Step 2: How to Cope: Uncover What Keeps You Feeling Stuck
Step 2 (Powertool 2) in the Beyond Blame System is about feeling more in control. Do you feel unable to make decisions because danger lies in every choice, yet you feel compelled to do something? Are you damned if you do, damned if you don't? If so, then you're feeling stuck.
The second step to successfully managing your life when someone you care about has borderline or narcissistic personality disorder is addressing the deep-seated reasons why you feel so trapped. These feelings of helplessness and lack of control have been scientifically shown to cause just as much suffering as the presence of the borderline or narcissistic personality disorder itself. When you learn to get unstuck and see your choices more clearly, you'll automatically feel better.
It's tough to communicate with people who have personality disorders because the disorder garbles both incoming and outgoing messages, causing massive chaos and confusion. As an analogy, think of them as having "aural dyslexia," in which they hear words and sentences backward, inside out, sideways, and devoid of context. You may frequently feel hounded about small trifles, and all-out fights can erupt over nothing—at least, nothing you can see. Research has shown that when friends and family members learn the right techniques for communicating with their disordered loved ones, the relationship runs much more smoothly.
However, if you are being yelled at or emotionally/verbally abused, do not fight with the person. Leave the area—go to a room or outside; a safe place you can call your own. Don't disappear; say something like, "Right now things are feeling too hostile and we aren't getting anywhere. Let's pick this up later when we've both calmed down."