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Frequently
asked questions
What
does BPD stand for?
BPD
stands for "Borderline Personality Disorder."
Is
BPD common?
More
than six million people in the USA have a BPD disorder, and these
people greatly affect the lives of at least 30 million others.
Why
is BPD a problem?
BPD
can lead to suffering for both the BP and those whose lives they
affect (non-BPs, or simply "nons.") BPD is linked to high
conflict; divorce; suicide; substance abuse; child abuse; physical,
sexual, and emotional abuse; eating disorders; estrangement from
family members; and much more.
I need some support for what I'm going through? No one understands.
The people in cyberspace understand. They've all been through it.
Many have had experiences very similar to yours. By joining one
of the cyberspace mailing lists (they're
like online support groups), you'll get support from people
who care. See the Internet Resources
for a listing of the groups available and instructions on how to
join. There are separate groups for people with borderline partners,
children, and parents. There are also groups for people WITH BPD.
Is
there hope for people with BPD? Can they recover?
Yes. The Stone New York State Psychiatric Institute did an outcome
study of 206 BPD clients admitted between 1963 and 1976 who spent
three months or more in inpatient unit. Follow-up study showed:
Two-thirds
of sample patients now in their 30s and 40s were rated as "good"
or "recovered" on the Global Assessment Scale, a tool
used by clinicians.
In
this and other studies, "good" outcomes were related
to the following: "likableness, candor, perseverance, talent
and attractiveness, high IQ, and obsessive traits." (We
didn't come up with this...we're just reporting it.)
Poorer
outcomes were related to the following: "more (on the 'BPD'
scale) anger and moodiness, continued substance abuse, sociopathy
(innate 'meanness'), history of parental physical abuse and
incest."
About
9% of BPD patients kill themselves.
BPD
patients can get better, but it's slow. Every single recovered
BP I have talked to had these things in common:
Helpful,
but not 100% prevalent, was:
Significant
others who were supportive and caring and enforced boundaries
and made it clear which behavior they would not tolerate.
Often, this provided the BP with the motivation to get better. This
is not a formal study. It is only from anecdotal experience.
What can I do to make the BP in my life seek treatment?
Think about something that is very, very difficult for you to do.
Lose 25 pounds. Change careers. Overcome poor self esteem. Think
about how hard this has been for you to do, even though you may
want to do it very much.
Now…
imagine that you didn't want these things. What are the chances
that you would lose the weight, get a new job, and buy a book on
self-esteem? Pretty low.
Recovery
from BPD is a hard thing to do. For the borderline (BP) it may involve
facing horrible childhood abuse or deep-rooted feelings of shame.
People with BPD feel stigmatized. The only way through it is to
want it very very badly.
You
cannot make someone want this, any more than someone can make you
want to change yourself. It has to come from within.
I'm concerned about my children and the effects of my spouse's behavior
on them. What should I do?
This is a very serious issue that is discussed in a chapter of Stop
Walking on Eggshells (1-888-357-4355 or 1-800-431-1579). Here are
some hints:
Join
the non-BP list. This is an active topic of discussion.
If
the BP is acting abusive, remove your children from the situation
temporarily. Take them out for a walk or ice cream. If your
BP is consistently abusive to your children, determine your
legal rights. If you are a man, especially, see The
Divorce Page for information.
Be
a consistent oasis for your kids. Follow through. Do what you
say you will.
Tell
your children that no one has the right to abuse them. Try to
help them understand that mom or dad's behavior is not about
them. Tell them this every time you see them being abused.
Become
involved in your children's life. Nothing is more important.
Have fun with them. Create good memories. Listen to them. Respect
their feelings. Take them seriously. Believe them.
Do
not make excuses for abusive behavior. Do not tell yourself
things like, "The kids will probably turn out OK, they'll
just learn some hard lessons early in life." Do not excuse
the borderline for their abusive behavior just because they
have BPD. Don't throw up your hands because tackling this problem
makes you uncomfortable. Fight for your children's mental health.
Ask yourself, "What would I do if a stranger was acting
this way toward my child?" Then, do what needs to be done
as long as it is within your legal right.
How
can I make myself feel better right now?
Stop taking the borderline's actions personally. Rage, screaming,
verbal abuse, self-mutilation, blame, criticism, and all the other
things that make life difficult are not about you at all. It's part
of the BPD. Second, do some good things for yourself and your body.
Have some fun. Take a walk. Stop drinking or abusing drugs, if you
are. Third, join the non-BP list (see above). Fourth, learn all
you can about BPD (see the rest of the site). Five, see the
taking
care of yourself section on this site.
My therapist doesn't seem to know very much about BPD. What should
I do?
Your therapist is very typical. If you read this entire site, you
may know more about BPD than the average therapist. In addition,
your therapist may suspect BPD, but not have mentioned it.
The
reasons for this are complex. For right now, trust your instincts.
If your therapist doesn't seem to be helping, listen to your feelings.
Learn all you can about BPD and interview potential therapists.
(See "Programs and
Therapists," elsewhere on this site.)
What can I read about BPD?
Here
is an important link to BPD publications.
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