The ABC'S of BPD: The Basics of Borderline Personality Disorder for Beginners

by Randi Kreger and Erik Gunn

The ABC's of BPD is an easy-as-pie, brief introduction to BPD suitable for anyone looking to understand BPD without expending a lot of time or energy. People have found it valuable for teachers, doctors, attorneys, and others.

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An Essential Guide to Understanding and Living With Bpd
by Robert Friedel M.D. (2004, Marlowe & Company)

Dr. Robert Friedel, a leading expert on the biological causes and treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder, has written a hopeful, compassionate book that examines the latest research about clinically diagnosed borderline patients, summarizes the findings in user-friendly terms, and goes over the real-word implications.

Demystified is primarily directed to diagnosed borderline patients seeking information and support. There is a chapter for family members in which he cites material from Stop Walking on Eggshells (1998, New Harbinger). He writes, “Stop Walking on Eggshells seems to strike a responsive chord in people [whose BP loved one] lacks insight into their problems and refuses to seek professional help.” The inclusion of material for family members of undiagnosed BPs not in treatment is encouraging.

The book’s advice for Non-BPs includes a) learn more about the disorder, b) be supportive, c) join an appropriate support group, and d) try to convince the BP to go into treatment, but accept that you can’t make them do so. Friedel’s own sister had BPD, so his understanding comes from first-hand experience. He also writes, “Remember that it’s the responsibility of the person with BPD to take charge of his or her behavior.”

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by Jerold Kreisman, MD.

A paperback on BPD that is the best known book on the market aimed at consumers, not professionals. The SET (support, empathy, truth) method of communicating with someone with BPD is excellent.

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An Inside Look at Borderline Personality Disorder 
by Richard A. Moskovitz

Here is a review of this book by A.J., the manager of the BorderPD list:

"My first reaction when I finished reading this book was, 'Where was this book when "I really needed it" on my journey towards recovery from BPD?' I could have benefited even more from reading it some years ago.

"Dr. Moskovitz's Lost in the Mirror is a wonderfully compassionate and well-written diary of what it is to be a borderline. It is presented in a straightforward way. It is fair to borderlines. It states the truth, pulls no punches, and yet leaves one feeling very moved from reading it.

"This is the most refreshing and informative read I have yet experienced on the subject of Borderline Personality Disorder. It epitomizes and delivers the very essence of BPD in a clear, easily understandable and significant way.

"A must for those with BPD, for those that love someone who has BPD, and for those who treat BPD patients/clients."

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by James Novak

Although this book is meant for fathers in Wisconsin, the general principles are applicable for any man who would like to obtain custody of his children or is facing a difficult divorce. It’s a blunt and honest look at what fathers may need to do in order for this to happen. Novak discusses these issues:

• The importance of fathers to children
• How to overcome gender bias in the court system
• How to choose an attorney
• The importance of persistence and holding your ground
• What to do if you’re falsely accused of child abuse
• Successful mediation
• The importance of documentation, preparation, and the first hearing
• Organizations and people who can help
• Court costs; child support and maintenance

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How to Keep Criticism from Undermining Your Self-Esteem, 
by Mary Lynne Heldmann

• Understand how and why criticism undermines your self esteem
• Take control of your responses to criticism
• Listen to and think objectively about criticism
• Deal with childish responses to criticism
• Balance your feelings with rational thinking
• Build self-esteem in the midst of a verbal attack
• Give criticism tactfully yourself.

"A self-liberation guide for victims of verbal abuse...a wealth of ideas for protecting oneself from attack without counterattacking."

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by John Bradshaw

Shame is at the root of BPD and many other mental concerns. Chapters include The Faces of Shame, the Sources of Toxic Shame, Liberating Your Lost Inner Child, On Loving Yourself, Integrating Your Disowned Parts, Confronting and Changing Your Inner Voices, and Dealing with Toxic Shame in Relationships. A classic.

"I have been told that the work of George Vallient, MD is quite illuminating about BPD and much more positive than the 'lay press' presents. I haven't yet read his works but from what I have heard I still recommend perusing his works."

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How to Help Your Loved One Without  Losing Yourself  
by Laura Epstein Rosen, Ph.D. and Xavier Francisco Amador, Ph.D.

"It's like 'Eggshells' but for people who love someone who is depressed--which most borderlines are."  Although numerous books have been written for those suffering from depression, until now not of them has addressed the "secondary" victims of this debilitating disease: the loved ones of the depressed. The authors discuss how depression affects relationships and explain how to overcome the damage depression can cause within a relationship. Chapters include:

• How Does Your Loved One's Depression Affect You?
• How to Recognize If Someone You Love Is Depressed
• When Your Partner Is Depressed
• When Your Child Is Depressed
• When Your Parent Is Depressed
• Friendships and Depression
• Constructive Communication
• Is It Fair to Ask for What You Need?
• When Your Help Is Turned Away
• Alcohol and Drugs
• Suicide
• Psychological Treatments for Depression
• Medical Treatments for Depression
• Finding Help for Your Loved One and Yourself

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Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself
by Beverly Engel

Although this book was written for women, it is very appropriate for men, too. Please see the excerpts in the Taking Care of Yourself and Emotional Abuse pages of this WWW site.

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by Harriet Goldhor Lerner.

"...gives you a whole new way to look at anger and shows you who is responsible for what. It is not about BPD but applies to anger of all kinds."

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by Susan Forward.

"...for anyone who had parents who invalidated their feelings or who otherwise were destructive to a child's self esteem."

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by John M. Oldham, M.D.

"I have read one book that was pretty helpful but limited. It is Personality Self Portrait by John M. Oldham, M.D. It has a series of questions that you answer and it can tell you what your tendencies are. It covers many other disorders also."

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by Melody Beattie.

"It deals with abandonment and other issues borderlines and the people who love them face. I'm about halfway through and I've already started using some of her techniques and boy does it make a difference."

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A Book of Hope and Understanding 
by Dusty Miller.

"Miller redefines Borderline Personality Disorder as Trauma Reenactment Syndrome. In my humble opinion this book may outshine I Hate You, Don't Leave Me as far as describing what really does go through a person's head who is suffering from whatever-this-is.

"Miller is a professor in the Dept of Clinical Psychology at Antioch/New England graduate school in New Hampshire and teaches here at Smith College in Northampton. This lady knows her stuff. Get this book. I have talked to her about all of this (we live near each other, actually) and her theories are like a breath of fresh air into this whole discussion."

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by Judith Lewis Herman.

"...deals with the experiences of survivors of rape, child abuse, incest, combat, confinement camps, and brings them together under a clearly laid out diagnosis of 'complex traumatic stress disorder,' which was put forth to replace and encompass BPD, multiple personality disorder and combat neurosis. Very interesting stuff, beautifully thought out, and extremely helpful final third or so of the book devoted to recovery. This woman has 25 years of clinical experience. I can't recommend this book highly enough. A counselor gave it to a friend of mine, who has suffered extreme incest abuse, and she lent it to me, and then my counselor mentioned she too had the book and believed it to be excellent."

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by James Masterson, MD.

"When one of my therapists wanted to let me know how I'd been diagnosed, she loaned me a book entitled The Search for the Real Self. She didn't say anything but, "here, I think you should read this." I did, and I recognized myself quite clearly in the description of BPD. It was really quite liberating to know that someone had finally understood my life and feelings."

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A Handbook of Day-To-Day Strategies 
by Christine Adamec, D. J. Jaffe 

Practical advice and coping strategies for the millions of families now caring for a mentally ill relative Looking after a mentally ill loved on a daily basis presents a unique set of problems and challenges. But it is possible to provide effective and compassionate care without sacrificing the well-being of the primary caregiver or the needs of other family members.

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by Lauren Slater.

"[The author] describes her own fears as she confronts her past, while dealing with a new patient, a borderline personality. The author delves into her own past as a mental patient, her life as a foster child, and her own diagnosis as a borderline personality. But it's so much more than that. This is a story of hope, of camaraderie, and of overcoming a painful past. As I read this, I was amazed at the ability to walk both sides of the line...as a patient, and as a doctor. She is one of the very, very few who truly understands the agony of being locked away, and the torment of being a lowly mental patient, surrounded by cold-hearted medical personnel who have no idea at how they dehumanize us."

NAMI: National Alliance for the Mentally Ill has a handout that includes names, address and phone numbers of programs specializing in the research and treatment of BPD. The phone number is 703/524-7600.

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by Janice Cauwels. WW Norton, 1992.

"This book is longer than Kreisman's book. It has some great descriptions of individuals with BPD and looks at all the data as objectively as possible both regarding diagnosis as well as treatment. I highly recommend this book!"

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by Melodie Beatty.

"I used to keep this one in the bathroom."

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Understanding Self-Injury: A Workbook for Adults. 
Pittsburgh Action Against Rape
81 S. 19th St, Pittsburgh, PA 15203-1852. 

Also available from the Sidran Foundation.

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Self-Harm: Perspectives from Personal Experience
by Louise Roxanne Pembroke
Survivors Speak Out
34 Osnaburgh Street, London NW1 3ND

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Getting the Love You Want  
by Harville Hendrix.

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Keeping the Love You Find
by Harville Hendrix.

A recommendation from the spouse of a BP: "In a nutshell, it describes how and why we choose the partners that we do... and from there proceeds to provide us with many exercises to understand ourselves and our partners, as well as tools for open, clear, honest communication... skills that make sure that we are heard and understood correctly as well as HEARING and understanding someone else correctly.... it also gets to the root of 'filters' that our past imposes on us.... taking them out of the unconscious/subconscious into the conscious, so we can understand them, and rather than being controlled by them, take control. At the root of all of it is becoming more aware, more conscious."

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Skills Training Manual For Treating Borderline Personality Disorder  
by Marsha Linehan. 
(Guilford Press 1993)

Discusses Dialectic Behavior Training, a form of cognitive behavior therapy designed for BPD. This manual is the companion book to a text discussing DBT. It has numerous handouts and homework assignments in the back which are helpful in addressing issues such as emotion identification and regulation. (The textbook that goes with it is quite dense and is only for the truly dedicated.)

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Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin
by Anne Katherine, MS. 
134 pages, Soft cover. Gurze Books

This book discusses many things of interest to people who have BPD or love someone with BPD, including issues such as:

• Denying who you really are to make someone else happy
• Feeling uncomfortable when people seem too close or too distant
• How having boundaries violated as a child affects you
• How boundaries help us form a sense of self and vice versa
• How we do substance abuse, cutting, eating, etc. so we don't have to feel
• Why we let people walk all over us
• How parents and partners can violate boundaries by either being over involved/enmeshed or too distant
• How incest and sexual abuse is the ultimate boundary violation
• Why people violate boundaries and what to say when they do.
• Boundaries between non peers (parent/child, therapist/client, etc.)
• "Codependency" and boundaries

The book has exercises at the end of each chapter, and gives hints on how to create boundaries with people whom you've let violate them before.

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Reinventing your Life

A Reader writes..... I would like to recommend to you a book that our therapist recommended I read. It's called "Reinventing your Life; The Breakthrough program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again" by Jeffrey Young, Ph.D. and Janet Klosko, Ph.D. Its premise is that people's pattern of self defeating behavior is , in part, due to "lifetraps", or personality traits we develop usually due to childhood experiences. Some examples of "lifetraps" include Abandonment, Mistrust and Abuse, Emotional Deprivation, Dependence, Defectiveness, Subjugaton, Unrelenting Standards, and Entitlement. It gives a self test for each lifetrap to see if it pertains to you. It gives examples of how each lifetrap manifests itself in our adult behavior, and what type of childhood experiences lead to the development of these traits. Interestingly, it gives a list of "danger signals" in potential partners for each lifetrap, which might help nons understand why were attracted to people with BP traits.

I found that I scored very strongly in the "subjugation" lifetrap. I'm a "people pleaser" and conflict avoider and somewhat indecisive. Danger signals for me were a partner who is domineering, does not respect your own opinions, needs or rights, pouts or pulls away when they don't get their own way, has a bad temper so you have to watch what you say or do carefully (ala eggshells), etc. Interestingly, the people we should avoid are the very people who generate the most chemistry with us! It gives practical advise on how to overcome each lifetrap as well.

I thought this book was great because it helped me understand why I tolerated all the BS from my husband and in-laws for so long and I'm trying to make the changes I need to make.

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The Journal of the California Alliance for the Mentally Ill, Vol. 8, No. 1

The volume 8, number 1 issue of this publication focuses entirely on BPD. There are 82 pages of articles by 33 renowned experts who explain possible causes and new treatment options for BPD without blaming parents. Topics include the biology of the disorder, suicide, the stigma of BPD, psychotherapy, dialectical behavior therapy, the family perspective, surviving BPD, and much more. The Journal may be ordered through Treatment and Research Advancements Association for Personality Disorders, 23 Greene St., New York, NY, 10013. The cost is $10 plus $3 postage and handling, and your purchase by check or money order will help TARA advocate for more research on BPD. For credit card orders, call The Journal, (916) 567-0163.

Randi Kreger writes: "I've read most of the publication. Here's my take on it, your opinion may vary: This publication is an excellent resource to give to any professional who may be treating you or a family member for BPD. It really shows professionals that there is hope for BPD, that there are biological underpinnings, that there is a body of knowledge, etc. There are stories from family members and people with BPD that are very validating."

"However, you should know that the publication is very theoretical, not practical. For example, two articles are about family support groups, but neither article mentioned coping tips or how to start your own support group. Additionally, some of the information about neurotransmitters and biological underpinnings is quite complex."

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Eclipses: Behind the Borderline Personality Disorder 
by Melissa Ford Thornton 

This book has been written especially for borderlines. The author, who has been treated for borderline personality disorder, offers hope and compassion to fellow borderlines and presents an introduction to Dialectical Behavior Therapy in layperson's terms.  Ordering info will be available HERE. The publisher is Monte Sano Publishing.

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The following books may be of special interest to parents of borderlines:

How to Live With a Mentally Ill Person: A Handbook of Day-To-Day  Strategies by Christine Adamec.

A book for a parent, spouse,  sibling or other family member who cares for a person with a mental  illness. Caregivers share common problems, (convincing person to take medications, handling public outbursts, finding a good doctor, dealing with paranoia, dealing with your own frustration), and much more. The book is a handbook for caregivers, based on interviews with family members and mental health professionals  nationwide. If you think you are the only person who ever felt you could not  bear one more minute of caring for a mentally disordered person, and wondered  why this terribly unfair thing happened to you---here's your book.  (Written by a professional writer whose daughter has schizophrenia.)

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How to Find Help for a Troubled Kid
A Parent's Guide to Program and  Services for Adolescents  
by John Reaves, James Austin. Published by Henry Holt & Co., 1990.

Chapters on troubled kids, self-help groups, psychotherapy, boarding schools, group homes, residential treatment, AODA, juvenile justice, and hotlines. Excellent!

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The Shelter of Each Other:
Rebuilding Our Families  
by Mary Bray Pipher.

Pipher is also the author of "Reviving Ophelia," the book about the pressures facing adolescent girls. A parent of a BP says, "Pipher has affirming statements to make about parents, especially mothers, who are so often labeled  over-controlling. Those of us dealing with BPD I know get that label from therapists and social workers.  It did my heart good to read someone say that label is often unfairly applied, and then explain why."

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Learning to Leave 
by Triere and Peacock

For women (like most of these types of books) but applies to men. It is full of very practical and basic advice for anyone looking for a step-by-step companion to leaving an abusive relationship. 

Chapters include deciding whether to leave, emotions, timing your departure, crisis planning, developing a backup system, actually telling the person, dealing with anger and fear reactions, money, careers, legal questions & answers, choosing a lawyer, mediation, telling children, their reactions, custody & visitation, meeting your sexual needs, and when you're on your own.

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http://www.laurapaxton.com/borderline.html
Borderline and Beyond book and Workbook/Personal Journal

This newly revised book and workbook contain healing programs for people with BPD to become more stable and less crisis-driven. The book offers tips for family members and an interview with the author about mental health and American Culture. The 8.5 by 11 workbook provides a program for crisis stabilization and recovery. It contains journal pages and exercises to spark positive beliefs and coping skills.

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